Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
