Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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