last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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