I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
