So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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