If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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