If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
