I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
