So drunk its hurt
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We left the knife in your bed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
