Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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