i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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