Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
