guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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