I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
