I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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