**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
