did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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