The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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