Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
