My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
