You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
