i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
