Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
