if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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