You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
