My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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