At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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