There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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