I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
