In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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