hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
