Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
