Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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