Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
