if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize