Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize