Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
