The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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