I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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