My Higher Power is John Stamos
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
