she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
