Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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