I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize