no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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