Girls should come with a carfax report
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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