If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
