i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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