I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
