ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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