Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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