i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
operation have a gay friend backfired
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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