Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
