Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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