Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
