why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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