There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
