I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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