be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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