I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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