Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize