I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize